Dancing With the Stars 3: What you don’t need to know

Editor’s Note: This is the third time I’m writing this damn Editor’s Note, so I’ll get straight to the point, our buddy Shawn wanted a column gig here, so we gave him the OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME…a chance…to liveblog…Dancing with the stars.

We aren’t quite sure how he knows that this is season three of Dancing with the stars, but uh, hopefully that means he did research, right?
Well, this is the preview for the “Hit” Dancing with the Stars t.v. series. This will be a comical analysis of what happends during the show, I hope the readers enjoy the column and keep coming back to see what they missed.


1. Harry Hamlin: Most of you remember this man from L.A. Law, only because I’m sure no one watched “Touched by an Angel.” The reason this man is on the show is because his wife is an alum; so basically he found the answer to the perverbial question, “Who do i have to sleep with to get on this show?”

They paired him with Ashley DelGrosso who is on her 3rd straight DWS.

The over/under on this group is at least a top 4 finish simply because Hamlin’s partner is the most experienced of the veteran dancers and should know what the judges are looking for on her “3rd times the charm” tour.

2. Tucker Carlson: Most of you know this man as MSNBC news anchor, Mr. Political and Controversial himself. Although the man engaged in a heated debate with John Stewart from the Daily show which led to his termination/resignation with CNN. I’m expecting to see this man go back to rocking the Goofy Ass Bowties by the 3rd Episode.

They paired him with Elena Grinenko, a rookie with some serious potential. Expect her to spin on a bowtie by the end of the season.

The over/under on this group is a top 8 finish. Although Elena is a world class dancer with serious moves, we all remember how nimble Tucker was when he attempted to perform those olympic activities.

3. Joey Lawrence: Most of you will remember this man from horrible t.v. series’ such as Blossom or Brotherly Love. This teenage heartthrob recently shaved his head to make him look like more of a serious competitor on the show. For some reason it didn’t work as the competition is not worried one bit about him. Walking around saying, “Whoaaa!” just doesn’t instill the fear that he believed it to.

They paired him with Edyta Sliwinska who returns for her 3rd season. Expect her to put up a repeat performance and make the finals again.

The over/under on this group is a top 2 finish. This is the first time that Edyta has someone even remotely her size and should be able to control Joe Roman during the season.

4. Jerry Springer: Most of you know this man as the host of the world’s worst t.v. program The Jerry Springer Show. The man has a knack for all sorts of issues such as adultery, domestic abuse, and transvestites. This man is the longest shot to win only because he is likely to keel over and die midway through the episode. Expect to see Steve come to the episode and start muscling fools around to keep Jerry in the spotlight.

They paired him with Australian Dancing with the Stars champion Kym Johnson. The Aussies have their own knockoff of this series, i guess they were just looking for a replacement for a new open space on the Australian programing since a Stingray made an opening.

The over/under on this group is dead last. Jerry Springer looks like he is a never was dancer. Why the hell do you think the man puts so many transvestites on his show, the man had traumatic issues with women growing up. I feel bad for Kym since she deserves someone like Maury, but she’s Australian so don’t feel too bad for her.

5. Emmitt Smith: Most of you remember him destroying your favorite NFL’s team defense on Sundays during the 90’s. This man was part of the Dallas Cowboys’ Triplets. Expect to see this man go through the show just like he scored touchdowns, without flamboyant expressions. I also think that if Emmitt is slipping his partner will start wearing mad fur like Michael Irvin, since we all know that the man just flat out performs in the vicinity of a fellow athlete in fur.

They paired him with last seasons champion Cheryl Burke and this girl can flat out perform.

The over/under on this group is a win. Emmitt is still in great shape and will carry this team on his back just like the Cowboys in the late 90’s and early 2000’s. Cheryl will be a nice compliment to Emmitts quick feet and great balance and they will no doubt provide the best moves that will happen. The only question will be whether or not this team takes plays off to keep it respectable.

6. Mario Lopez: Most of you remember this man as AC Slater from Saved by the Bell. This “buff” jock has seen better days. Growing up he was actually a dancer but hold off on betting on this man. He was caught in a adulterous scandal and ended up being divorced. Expect him to try getting ass more so than dancing with class.

They paired him with a series rookie Karina Smirnoff. This man is a posterchild for hosting Girls Gone Wild. Hmmm, combining this man with an attractive dancer who is named after alcohol = Bring beads cause Mario will have her taking her close off by mid-season.

The over/under on this group is a top 5. Unfortunately, the experience and talent of the group will be overshadowed by a sex scandal that will undoubtedly arise during the season. Rico Swauve is on this show for 1 reason, to save the dues associated with a Russian mail-order bride.

7:57: Ran out of time to do a preview of the girls. Here are the female stars competing in this season:

Monique Coleman, Sara Evans, Willa Ford, Vivica A. Fox, and Shanna Moakler.

8:00: Kickoff ……. so to speak. Damn yo, Tucker brought the bowtie out early and Karina is almost naked already. I guess my predictions were pretty good.

8:05: Joey is up 1st: His dancer is inspired by animals of the jungle and she’s wearing exotic animals as part of her wardrobe. Joey looks like he is auditioning as someone’s bitch on the Set of Oz with the skinhead sleeveless grey shirt and that man is wearing heels people, fucking heels. The judges told the man to be more latin, but told him to learn to move his hips. I was thinking more of getting a Votos tattoo on his hands to finish off the prisonboy look.

The judges gave the group a 21/30, i guess they were disappointed that Joey didn’t drop a “Whoa!”

8:14: And Sara Evans just told her boy that she is a slave. She already played the feel sorry for me i broke my leg speech, but i’m not buying it. What the fuck is she wearing? It looks like a flying squirrel skydiving suit with sparkles. To top off the cheesiness of this dance, they are playing “Oh Mandy”. The man she is paired with is skinnier than Sara. The judges said she didn’t glide and called her Barbara Bush. She looks ready to cry.

The judges gave them 15/30. Man am i glad that i didn’t waste my time with a preview of her cause looks like she is on her way out. Go back to country music Bitch.

8:20: Jerry Springer and Tucker were just mingling in their bowties, why do i think the next Jerry episode will be a bowtie special?

8:23: Tucker is rocking a ruffle Light Blue Gay shirt and cutting away to scenes of the man standing beside an Israeli tank going off. His partner just wants to get past the first show, not starting off well. Dude is “Dancing in the street”! He already took off the bowtie, he must be getting serious. He already got the Please Fuck Off Speech from the Panel.

The judges gave him 12/30. Tucker will be back to the Middle East in no time flat.

8:34: Monique is pleading the poor me, i was poor card. Maybe cause she is wearing Tea Saucers as earrings. Her dancer is talking about molding her into what he wants. She’s crying like a baby off some gay french partner beaking her. Frencie is already laying on the kisses. Her possee is in the stands just waiting to bust a cap in the panel. Dude just said the two were romantic as an autopsy.

The judges gave them 19/30. Looks like they will be moving on to the next round. Expect Frenchie to take advantage of Monique tonight when she passes out to extend the autopsy aspect of the romance.

8:44: Emmitt is ready to compete and win. The man looks determined to break it open. The man is up to owing this Broad money already. Good thing he got that big paycheque from Arizona. The man still has the fast feet. The man is doing the PrimeTime Shuffle now. Why didn’t this man put on shows like this after TD runs?????? The big thing is his partner is definitely wearing some Irvin fur no doubt. Emmitt is getting mad love from the panel.

The judges gave them 24/30, his high school football number. They have the early lead and i don’t see them losing it as the “Champion Duo”.

Mario Lopez is already chasing tail around the set, the man needs to get laid i guess.

8:53: The bad girl of Pop and boy of ballroom dancing, Willa Ford and her boy. Her Fabio dance partner seems gay. The man looks like Elvis Stoyko the figure skater. “I know this much is true” the man stands no chance with Willa. Her boy has a late 90’s Camaro drivin pony tail. The judges are givin her mad props for her movement. I guess being a filthy whore has its benefits.

The judges gave them 22/30. This was a surprise, there might be some fixing of scores. I guess there is still hangover from the Salt Lake Olympics.

9:01: Mario is up. Snap, his mom has a Shih Tzu on set. Damn. He just admitted to checking his partner out in the mirror and got gagged. I’m renaming him the Latin ADD Flash. If his partner could show any more skin it would be girls gone wild abc. Dude just made a Big Earn McCrackin commercial add by looking straight down at his hands going to his girl’s ass while she was shaking it. The judges just asked if Super Mario has batteries in his pants. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. I guess the blue pills were not working anymore, must be common amongst frat boys.

The judges gave them a 26/30. Looks like the judges are fans of Saved by the Bell. No way was that man even close Emmitt. Wait a second, I think Screech is one of the judges.

9:17: Miss America is going through a divorce, looks like her and Mario are perfect for each other. Shanna should go back to saying “World Peace” or some other lame ass shit. I’m pretty sure that Jesse just gave a longhorns shout out to Matthew Mac. She got called an Ice Queen and the fans booooo? It’s not like that’s a bad comment, they are doing dance after all. The judges almost said they were as worse as …… We all know that they were going to refer to them as Tucker and his ho.

The judges gave them 18/30. Looks like they make it past the 1st round, but they are in the bottom 3 so far. Looks like Miss America better ask for “Better Scores” instead of World Peace.

9:29: Hamlin is about to open up some L.A. Law on these fools Sparticus style. His girl went to Canada to meet Hamlin. Things are not looking good already, that and the man is married to a soap opera star; if there is such a thing. Oh snap, it’s Travolta out there with the “Disco Inferno”. Looks like “Touched by an Angel” was the climax of his career. Looks like her 3rd appearance will end up like the previous 2 episodes. The man just said that his partner could teach a hippo how to make it rain. I’m not even going to try to understand that.

The judges gave them a 17/30. Not a good showing but should be enough to get by.

9:38: Vivica is up and just got asked about her dance experience; she said i was a stripper in independence day. HA, the broad just hit the floor. that’s right, she fell on her ass; i guess she needs a pole to dance on to stay up. She is going for the IdleWild look, but Nick ain’t no Big Boi. The judge just made a comment that sounded like you are a raunchy whore and I love it! She should stop laughing, shit sounds like Danny Devito.

The judges gave them 22/30. They carried on but Outkast is starting a suit for infringing upon their movie Idlewild.

9:46: Jerry just said that he has made such an ass of himself that this will only end up being a footnote. The practice looked like the man pulled a hernia. His partner might be a transvestite, the jury is still out. I didn’t think i’d ever see the man in anything worse than his own show. I was wrong. He already messed up bad and almost missed her/his hand. And the man ends it with throwing money. Ha, Steve just tackled some fool trying to run on stage for the money. Shit was the best part of the routine. The man is having a heart attack, with pains in his chest and left arm.

The judges gave them 16/30. Jerry gets by, but only by the hair on his transvestite’s chin.

Well the first show is over. If you missed it, don’t waste your time watching the Tivo’d version. 2 hours of horrible dancing from mediocre stars. Emmitt must feel like he is in hell and surrounded by losers. Tucker will be gone, no big loss. I’m just really disappointed that there was only 1 fall and it wasn’t even in the live show.

Now they are ending this shit with the Rev Al speech on voting. But damn, Emmitt should start giving TD celebration lessons cause that man had mad moves.

I hope you enjoyed the column and tune in tomorrow to find out which one of these never was stars (excluding Emmitt of course) gets eliminated.

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5 comments
  1. Dude, we said you could blog this thing, not call Harry Hamlin a “never was star”. My grandmother would take serious offense to this.

  2. I see Emmitt up there and Hamlin is not even in the same league as Emmitt. It was a little tough on Hamlin because he is tier II for sure and has a lot of room there since the show is full of would be stars. Vivica Fox would also be in the same tier as hamlin cause she has played in some kickass movies.

    Tell your grandma i’m sorry.

  3. Shawn,

    Just wanted to let your know that your beloved Dancing with teh Stars is being used by scout.com as the definition of a 1-star rating when rating the best college football games to watch.

    “Must See Rating: (5 skip the birth of your first born – 1 Dancing with the Stars) …”

    The entire article can be viewed here:

    http://cfn.scout.com/2/567879.html

  4. what are those fools talking about? A #1. Maybe them fools didn’t watch Emmitt rocking the dancefloor. Besides, everyone knows that watching “Has been and never was actors” make asses of themselves are way more entertaining than seeing your first born child come out.

    Basically think of Dancing With the Stars as childbirth without all the screaming and gross images, Although seeing Jerry Springer get his funk on was pretty traumatic.

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