Picks with a Muthafuckin Hatchet

Yeah, you read that right. This column is going to be all about me picking games with a hatchet. For those of you that don’t know me, my name is Becca, and in the sense of full disclosure, I’m dating Ryan, one of the creators of this little blog. I figured if the Champ gets a column just for living with Doug, well then I have definitley earned a place on here. What gave me a perfect opportunity to get a spot on here is the simple fact that our friend Lance has been messing up his picks lately. Ok, he has been absolutely atrocious with his Stone Cold Locks of the Week. I mean 1-5, at that rate he’s going to have more than law school loans to pay off. So as a possible incentive for Lance to pull his head out of his ass we decided to hold a little competition to see who’s the better prognosticator. Click the read more link to learn a little more about my system and see my picks for week 3.

Well as you can tell from the name of the post, there is definitely a hatchet involved in me making my picks each week. I just want to set the record straight here from the start, I was carrying a hatchet in my car back when Maurice Clarett was actually still playing football and not involved with the Jewish mob. Without giving away too many of my secrets, let’s just say that there are pictures of each team’s quarterbacks and a wall with a whole lot of holes at this point. There is a lot else that goes into it, but just know that it has been working so far. In the pick’em league that was advertised here on Joboo I’m currently in second place by a measly one point, well ahead of Lance, Doug and the Champ. And while I can’t prove it, I’m pretty sure Ryan is only ahead of me because he stole my picks. Besides, it seems that Lance has been flipping a coin up until this point anyway. One final note, I’m just a law student and no NFL expert, so these are just going to be called my “picks” only some jackass who claims to know something about football, yet still cheers for the Detroit Lions, would call his picks “locks”. So with no further ado here are my picks for week 3.

1) Chicago (-3) at Minnesota: I’m no expert but Chicago’s defense has given up exactly one touchdown and their offense have scored quite a bit more than that. I realize its on the road but this line just seemed suspicious.

2)Carolina (-3) at Tampa Bay: According to the talking heads on ESPN Steve Smith should play for Carolina and he seems to be kind of a big deal. So at least Carolina’s offense has reason to believe it will get better, Tampa Bay has no such misconceptions.

3)Baltimore (-6.5) at Cleveland: The thing that first comes to mind about the Ravens is the fact they have someone on their team that has killed a man. That’s my kind of guy, so look for the Browns offense to struggle to put up more than a couple field goals.

Well, those are my picks of the week. I need to go sharpen the hatchet – it has been busy this week. Here’s to hoping these picks hold up, since I probably won’t be getting my security desposit back and could use the money. As a side note – it is good to know that even if I mess up the picks even more than Lance (hard to do, I know)… my friends and I know that I can beat Lance arm wrestling, hell, I could even whoop him in a full out fight.

  1. But if Lance was flipping a coin, he would have probably done much better, 3-3 maybe?

    Good picks though, I like them all.

  2. champ, 50% chance of heads and 50% chance of tails for each flip. Not collectively over 6 tosses. Theoretically Lance could have flipped and went 6-0, 0-6 or any other combo.

    As far as my ravens, they have more than 1 guy that has killed someone, cause that defense is badass with champagne bottles and the offense is making drug deals on their cell phones.

    I think with Becca’s picks she might actually go 3-0 this week.

  3. lancer said:

    Your hatchet appears to be quite dull. Better luck next week.

  4. Becca said:

    The bad news: I didn’t quite pick them this week. The good news: Lance did a better job with his picks. Therefore the little experiment worked, even if I didn’t come through with Aces.

  5. Shawn,

    I understand statistics, I was just trying to make the point that Lance could have done better with a coin toss in the previous weeks than what he did.

  6. ANNA DI STA. said:

    I find your picks at the summum…

  7. ANNA DI STA. said:


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