“Not only was I the best QB, but I have a full head of hair BITCHES.”
TO: Football Fans
From: Rex Grossman
Dear Football Fans,
I realize that many of you might not know me too well, so in conjunction with the absolute ass whipping the Bears and I just laid on the Seattle Seahawks I thought I would write to say hello. Now, I can’t really be mad at any of you for not being familiar with me since it has been awhile since I’ve played more than a couple of games in a season. I just want to go on the record and say that whatever people may think, I AM NOT MARK PRIOR. Nothing against the man, but I do pee standing up. Glad I cleared that up, so now click the read more link to find out what you need to know about me and the rest of Monsters of the Midway.
I certainly realize that most people around football haven’t been giving us very much respect, and to be fair we did start out by beating up on some pretty shitty teams. Green Bay is a tough game in Lambeau no matter what anyone says, but I’ll give you the Detroit game as more like an intra-squad game. I overcame some personal demons at Minnesota by not only getting a win, but more importantly, making sure the turf didn’t end my season again. And of course this Sunday’s game against the Seahawks was supposed to be the game that proved we weren’t an elite team. Obviously we had a different idea. We dominated in every facet of the game really, and I don’t want to hear any bullshit about Shaun Alexander not playing. Frankly, if Jesus wanted Shaun to play he would have really healed his broken foot instead of just making him stupid enough to believe that he could play with a broken foot. Truth be told, Alexander is a great running back, but the way my defense was dominating the game it wasn’t going to make a damn bit of difference in the outcome.
I really can’t say enough about my defense, they always seem to be in the right place. It certainly helps that they are the fastest defense in the league. Did you see Tommie Harris? I’ve never seen something that big move that fast. I can’t even describe our linebacking play. Urlacher and Briggs are the best linebacking duo in the league, mark it down. We got an especially big lift from Ricky Manning Jr., fresh off pleading no contest to a felony assault, with two interceptions of Matt Hasslebeck. I feel bad for Matt, he looked kind of like I used to throwing of my back foot in to triple coverage but luckily I’ve outgrown that with all my new found experience. I’ve really made the commitment to being a better quarterback this year, especially after the preseason when all the Chicago fans were calling for Brian Griese.
Seriously, BRIAN FREAKING GRIESE? I realize I’ve been injury prone over the years, but that would be like Dusty Baker moving Glendon Rusch into the starting lineup just because Mark Prior gets hurt a lot. Wait, that actually happened? You’ve got to be kidding me, that Glendon Rusch. Damn if he can get a guaranteed money contract in the majors maybe I should have pursued baseball. Sorry, back to football. I realize Griese looked like a safe option, but have you not seen the throws I can make? If you haven’t heard I have kind of a big arm. Forty yard touchdown pass to Bernard Berrian on the money just over two defenders so he didn’t have to break stride. Yeah like Griese is making THAT throw. I’m showing better decision making, so maybe we can trade him back to Tampa Bay. I hear they are looking for a quarterback with a spleen that isn’t from a MAC school. Besides, we have Kyle Orton to back me up and I’m sure if he’s needed he can sober up long enough to hand off to Thomas Jones. It worked pretty well last year.
Sure, we still have some things to work on. Most notably, could be get Devin Hester some stickem for those gloves. I realize he terrifies opponents when he returns punts, but muffing three punts is not going to get it done. We didn’t lose any of them, but had we lost a couple I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t have mattered too much. If you haven’t heard our defense is GOOD. Tonight was the 8th straight regular season home game that we didn’t give up more than 10 points. We’ve only given up TWO home touchdowns in that stretch which is the longest since the invention of the forward pass. O.K., you caught me I don’t really know when that was invented but the streak is the best since the mid 1930’s, so still really impressive.
So here’s hoping that we finally get some credit from the national media. It’s looking good that we may start the season 8-0, we have a great chance to run the table through the division and locking up homefield advantage throughout the playoffs. I’m penciling us in for 13 wins this season. We’ve got one tough stretch left with consecutive road games at the Giants, Jets, and Patriots but that is about it. If those are our three toughest games left I’ll take those odds. We’ll even be able to rest people for the playoffs finishing up with Detroit and Green Bay. I’m not going to make some ridiculous predictions talking out of my ass like some people. So Roy, how are those predictions turning out for you? Yeah it must be rough playing for Detroit but it’s nice counting on those two wins before the season starts, keep’em coming.
Well not much else I can say except I want to thank my coaching staff, especially offensive coordinator Ron Turner. Even though we were up big and we have a great defense you kept the pressure on and let me stretch the field. Either that’s your philosophy or you were just scared as hell of looking like that Michigan State coach, but whatever the reason let’s keep it up. I couldn’t finish without talking about what a great job Lovie Smith has done as head coach, not since Johnny Cash sang about a boy named Sue has a man overcame being burdened with a woman’s name so well. Sorry Danielle Manning, you’re a good rookie safety, but you haven’t gotten to that level yet.
I just want to finish with a question. Has anyone ever won comeback player of the year and MVP? No reason really, just asking. Just want to know its possible, you know not that I had anyone in mind or anything.
Rex Grossman, President Rex Grossman for MVP