Editor’s Note: The Champ has the week off because he’s high stakin’ it up at a charity poker tournament in New York City. Man gave up Tiger ALCS tickets for Friday and Saturday night for poker. He was also ripping on A’s fans during Game 2, yeah…you sit there and judge him. I won’t mind. In the absence of The Champ, we knew we still needed to make BOLD predictions. Remember why we have him doing this column…it was sparked by predictions of the Tigers being at/near the top of the division for a DECADE and Jason Marquis winning 20 games this season (how’s he doing on the post-season roster?)…anyway, I put on The Champ hat this week and see if I get go BOLD with these predictions.
Prediction #1: The next athlete to die in a plane crash will be…
How’s that for a teaser?
Indiana Pacer Stephen Jackson. Now, I know what you’re saying…NO WAY THEY ALLOW STEPHEN JACKSON TO HAVE A PILOT’S LICENSE…I MEAN, ARE WE NOT TAKING AWAY HIS DRIVER’S LICENSE AT SOME POINT? Some very valid points, however, I did not specify that the man had to pilot that plane. Here’s the scenario as I see it playing out. Now, bear in mind that while I certainly think this is plausible, I’m trying to go BOLD here.
Ok, so Stephen shows up at the airport, got a commercial flight somewhere at 9:30 in the a.m. So he is there and he gets there early for the security. He leaves a couple weapons and a small bag of marijuna with Marquis Daniels and whispers to him, “motherfucker, this time if some dude with a deformed arm tries to run me over, bust these shits off”. So, Jackson proceeds through security and since he is early, clearly hits up a bar. He’s in there doing shots and crackin’ jokes like “which one you the pilot? Naw, I’m just playin’, hope that cat ain’t in here, Y’KNOW’IM’SAYIN?!”.
So, time comes for Jackson to catch his flight and so he does. He’s on there and he’s itching for another beer. He keeps leaning over and telling the dude next to him, “man, I get so tanked when I drink beer at crazy altitudes” as if dude cares. They are about to take off when the stewardess gets over the loud speaker, “we have a 9 year old sitting separated from his mother, does anyone want to trade seats, so they can sit together? We’ll give you some cold beers.”
Stephen is ON that button, reaching up, hitting it several times, turns the fan on too, but he’s just rapidly hitting the buttons up there to get the attention of the stewardess. However, the man next to Jackson doesn’t want to get up. Jackson yells, “WHAT?!?! FOR SOME COLD BEERS, MAN” and the guy still does not want to get up. Jackson says “oh hell no” and then asks the stewardess for a pillow and goes to sleep.
But, when he awakes he is ticked off that this guy would not trade seats for some beers. He says to the man, “think I won’t go Wesley Snipes on this shit?” He gets ignored, so he gets up, walks towards the back. Sees some dude named Charlie and goes…”Charlie, ever played roulette?” and Charlie goes, “on occasion” and Steven goes, “Well, let me give you a word of advice…always…bet on BLACK!” And then Jackson goes to the underbelly of the plane and starts cutting wires like he saw Jack Bauer do on an episode of 24.
The moral to that story…Stephen Jackson died in a plane crash.
#2…The Chicago Bears finish 9-7. Here’s the thing about Da Bears…they’re over-rated. You seen their quarterback? REX GROSSMAN. The man is injured, right now, as The Champ types this. I know this because it is REX GROSSMAN. And that defense? Well, Jon Kitna is going to roll through it the next time those teams play.
#3…The Atlanta Hawks WIN the NBA Championship. And, by win the NBA Championship, the Champ DOES mean that they lose in the Eastern Finals to the Detroit Pistons. I know what you’re saying…Champ, if they lose to the Pistons, wouldn’t they, uh, NOT win the Title? Here’s the thing, no way Champ is not going with the homer pick of the Pistons when already hanging on a limb for a decade with the Tigers. But, that wouldn’t exactly be BOLD, and the Champ always goes bold. So, the Hawks will go as far as they can go. Why? Zaza Pachulia. You think I’m kidding? He is only 22 years old, but coming off a 12ppg and 8 rpg season in his first year as a full time starter. 20 and 11 per night is certainly not out of the question. And, if I didn’t mention it, the man’s name is ZAZA.
#4…The Tigers win Game 3 of the ALCS…but then…The Champ runs out of RALLY VODKA as they need all the runs they can get in game 3. What happens from there? Well, no longer able to score Runs, the Tigers lose the next four games by the margin of 17-1. The lone run coming when The Champ keeps the bottle of rally vodka upset down for a 4 day set and a single drop comes out. Champ laps it up like a cat and the Tigers look like they might pull out game 7, until the A’s score a lot more.
#5…The 2006-2007 collegiate fencing championship goes through the MAC this year. The question isn’t will a MAC team fence their way to the top, but it is of which MAC team will get it done. You have to first start talking about Western Michigan and their ability to stick the sword just where you need it and catch their opponent off guard. However, the Champ certainly recognizes the defensive presence of Northern Illinois.
On top of all this, you have the flamboyant Akron fencing squad that is out there just trying to stick and move and what they lack in substance, they make up in style. Of course, The Champ has to also look at his personal favorite as a contender. Maybe not the best team in the field, the underdog Central Michigan Chippewas have a real shot.
BONUS BOLD PREDICTION: Lance’s locks go 3 for 3 this week!