You ever wanted a girl to call you? We all have. Sometimes they even do. But then they start calling over and over to the point when you’re like “woman, don’t call here no more.” Then they call again, and you start to lose it. You’re having visions of every shitty teen/horror movie where the chick goes nuts and axes you, and all you can think about now is axing her before she gets to you. And then she calls again.
Now imagine you’re sitting at a poker table. Some girl across from you has limped into every hand. After taking a sip off her long island ice tea and talking to her friend for a minute about the Food Network’s show about some chick who went to Italy and lived off of four lira a day for a month, she looks back to the table. You remind her it’s her turn (again), and after placing the long island down, she asks how much it is to call and puts the chips in. You look down to see Big Slick (Ace King for those of you that don’t know, but really, who doesn’t know that?). You decide you need to raise. You raise it up to like five times the big blind. She looks around, puts down the text message she’s typing to her cell phone and says “I call.” “Sweet,” you think. You think. The flop comes down Queen, Seven, Deuce. She checks. You bet. A lot. She looks at her cards, flashes em to her friends, and says “ok, I call.” You decide she doesn’t have much, and on the turn she checks, so you move all-in. She calls right away and shows King Seven offsuit. You lose. In this scenario is the cold dead reality about playing with girls. I’ve seen it more times than I care to remember. Dudes overbet against girls who can’t even deal the game they’re playing in. In short, girls, for the most part, are flat out terrible at poker.
What!?! Spence, aren’t you supposed to be some sort of crazy liberal? Yes. I am. But in my experience, women have no… uh… experience playing poker and flat out suck. There are exceptions (Jen Harmen would be in my top 5 poker players alive right now), but for the most part the average girl that decides to put her Blue Hawaiian down for a minute to sit at the table won’t know the difference between her hole cards and her… uh… nevermind. But to get around the completely sexist assumptions I’m making, just consider the words “women, girls, chicks, bitches, and hoes” for the rest of this article to be metaphors for people who play poker and barely know that two pair beats one pair and have no idea how a blind works. They get real frustrated when you explain it to them and look over to their girlfriend who says “it’s ok, I saw this on TV, I’ll help you.”
Now these ladies call. They call everything. You couldn’t pry an ace out of their hand before the flop with a shotgun full of dead cow hooves shot at them repeatedly. Forget about getting them to fold a pocket pair better than sixes. But for some reason they often fold little pocket pairs thinking “it’s so small.” It’s been my experience that girls don’t like to hold small pairs in their hands, trust me.
So you’re sitting there playing a friendly five dollar tournament with about five to eight people, a third of whom are girls. And one of them keeps winning. How!?! The answer is some douchebag dude who plays poker online thinks he’s Phil Hellmuth and decides to run big bluffs at these girls. And what do they do? They call. They always call. They call with bottom pair. They call with ace high. They call without even knowing how to count out the chips to call. But, Jesus Christ do they call.
How do you beat these demon calling wenches? You know they don’t have anything, but you don’t either. I’ll tell you:
You have to be a man.
Huh?!? What the fuck does that mean? I’m not really sure what it means when it comes to dating girls, seeing as I pull down about as many dates as a burn victim. But at the poker table it means you have to control the situation and anticipate what that little ball of estrogen-emotion is going to do. And it’s easy.
Here’s what you have to do: You have to decide if you’re going to be the nice guy, or the dick. The nice guy can score, but the dick can really fuck the shit out of these girls. True in life, true in poker. Now what does that mean? Being the nice guy simply means you don’t antagonize them for having a vagina or for playing poker with their breasts. You encourage them and help them. They think you’re there to just have fun and not really out to take their money or beat them. But the nice guy always wants to sneak a few pumps in here and there, and he can.
When playing the nice guy role with nearly clueless girls at the poker table, you should raise rarely, usually with good cards, and explain to them (probably at the start of the game and repeatedly during the game) that you ONLY raise with really good hands, and suggest to them that they fold. They will throw their cards away with dainty smiles and on you go with your life. Or if you have a HUGE hand, you can just kinda raise and they’ll call. But the nice guy can encourage them to fold, and since you’re so nice, they’ll oblige. You’ll win little small pots and feel a little better about yourself and your chipstack.
Now the dick: If the girls you’re playing with are the type that can absorb ANY sort of sexist remarks at all, berate them. Don’t make them cry, but let it be know that you do not believe girls can even take a shit at the poker table. Tell them their nipples are the only chips they should ever play with, and that they should spend more time at the gym and not at the poker table. Seriously. You tell a girl anything like that, and they will not think about anything but taking you down and proving to Oprah that girls do in fact have brains. Now you’ve set them up. Since girls don’t raise ever unless they have aces, kings or queens, you should simply try to see as many flops with them in the hand as you can.
Early in the tournament, if you can, run a bluff (and it’s hard, but even if they call it works for this purpose) against the girl you’ve been referring to as “Fatty McDumb Tits.” When they do the thing where they fold out of turn that they love doing so much (you know, before anyone has bet or checked, and they just yell out “I fold” like a Frenchman), bet something. Then when they fold, show it and hold up in their face. Tell them those cards represent men dominating women for, oh, like 2 million years. Trust me.
Now, this is important: DO NOT EVER, EVER, EVER bet into these girls without at least top pair for the rest of the game. Why? Because they are calling you down. They are simply trying to kill you at this point, and now that they think you bluff for the sake of oppression to all with ovaries, they are calling. So, now you see flops (because they never raise, so you can), and then when you hit your hand, bet it like a four-hundred pound man at a race track trying to make child support payments. I’m serious. Game over. And the great thing is that for the rest of their lives, these girls will play like that against you when you play. Just don’t ever, ever bluff them again. EVER.
And that, my friends, is how to take a girl’s pants off at the poker table.
(Sidenote: if you have any interest in sleeping with this person you have been referring to as “Lost Rhino” I highly suggest that you take the nice guy approach, as this may cause real bad blood in other settings outside of the poker table. But if you want to win, you may thank me for this gold later.)