No, don’t do this

You may not have heard this, given the hoopla surrounding the St. Louis most dangerous city victory honors, but Tony LaRussa is co-producer on a film project about himself. This has to be said, this is something that should not be done.

A movie…about LaRussa. Hey, OK, the man took the number 10 when coming to St. Louis and then it took him a DECADE to bring St. Louis their tenth Championship. I’m OK with LaRussa being a character in a LIFETIME movie about Jose Canseco’s book, but this is something that should not happen.

But, apparently it is going to happen. LaRussa has met with the movie folks and have been kicking around movie ideas. I’ll be honest, whatever they come up, unless it’s Saw IV and LaRussa slides down a razor blade into alcohol river, I’m not giving a damn.

Still, even if I don’t give a damn, it’s still happening. There’s probably going to be 15 minutes of LaRussa explaining why he tinkered with his batting order to put the pitcher into the eight position on occasion. Riveting drama, let me tell you. We got the script for a scene of the TONY LARUSSA PROJECT. You can read it by clicking read more.


(camera fades in)

Joe Morgan: Jon, one thing we know about this huge game tonight, is that Tony LaRussa is going to bat the pitcher in the eight hole, and that he will not check swing, because the check swing is a myth. Unless you slow the bat up in time.

(Camera switches to the manager’s office. LaRussa is in there with a salad in front of him and some sort of hitting coach in the room as well.)

Hitting Coach: You know, Tony. I like the way you go with the ranch dressing on the salad. You also work it over the croutons very nicely. Myself, I like the French.

LaRussa: Do you think I care about that? They makin’ a movie about you? No.

Hitting Coach: True, true. But, still, I’m just saying, you do a good job with it, but what I have to know is that the better tomatoes were available and you just didn’t want the better tomatoes?

LaRussa: I don’t believe they were good tomatoes. Didn’t look like good tomatoes. But, either way, I don’t believe they affected this salad. If my players have a problem with the way I handled the situation, then they know where to talk to me. This is just the way I handle situations. I’m not going to just throw the history, tradition and class of this organization under the bus by questioning tomatoes.

Hitting Coach: Very fine point, skip.

LaRussa: Who do we got tonight?

Hitting Coach: Cubs.

LaRussa: Bring me Rolen.

Hitting Coach: Will do, skip.

(Brings in Scott Rolen, Rolen has an interpreter with him.)

Scott Rolen’s interpreter: You wanted to see Mr. Rolen, skip?

LaRussa: Awwww, damn! Come off it Scott!

(Rolen mumbles to his interpreter)

Rolen’s Interpreter: Mr. LaRussa, sir, Scott says that he grew up with good, old fashioned moral values and your taking issue with how he handled his shoulder injury has left scars that will not go away so easily.

LaRussa: Scott, you’re in the game tonight.

Scott Rolen: No shit…I mean…

(Rolen mumbles something to his interpreter and then leaves. As he walks out the door the interpreter says…)

Interpreter: Mr. Rolen says, of course he is in the god damn lineup. He’s Scott Rolen, he’s in it until he walks up to the lineup card and scratches his name out and pencils in a utility infielder.

LaRussa: Get me Albert!

(In walks Walter Matthau, Editor’s Note: apparently this scene was filmed, uh, in the 90s. Maybe just wishful thinking.)

LaRussa: Albert, how many home runs you going to hit tonight?

Pujols: Two-se.

LaRussa: And you are how old?

Pujols: 20s!

LaRussa: Get out of my office.

(Matthau leaves)

LaRussa: See, boy, this is how you manage. Two homeruns from my boy. That’s how I get things done. Now, look, take notes on this. This is my story. This is why people are in a theatre, eating their popcorn, watching this right now. Now, Albert hits the first homerun. Good. Even better? Someone gets on base for David Eckstein and guess what? Hit and run. Move the runner over. Then, Albert hits another homer later in the game. We win 2-0. Postgame, I give all the credit in the world for the players doing the small things to win this ballgame. The hit and run, they notice it, and they credit me for the managing move to win the ballgame. Best part? I’m doing it so sneaky and people think I’m the best and not rubbing it in their faces. I’m Tony LaRussa, you think you’re stealing that base? No, you’re not. You’re staying at first base because you’re up 7-1 in the 7th, but I’m still pitching out. Then I’m telling my pitcher to throw at your best hitter. It’s what I do. It’s how I respect this game.

FADE TO BLACK

Definitely going to be lined up for an Academy Award or two.

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