Super Bowl Media Day Part II: The Devin Hester Interview

Joboo sat down with Devin Hester at Media Day in Miami. Why? BECAUSE HE IS DEVIN HESTER. It was hard at first to interview the man, since he would not sit still and was always snapping his fingers and kicking it cold with those dance moves, but finally we got Devin to sit down with us.

Joboo: Welcome, Devin Hester. Man, glad we finally got an interview with you. As you know…

Devin Hester: Hell yeah, good to be here man. I know ya’ll Joboo folks was on my bandwagon since the jump. Doherty got that jersey bright orange with my name emblazoned on the back, kid a true soldier.

Deion Sanders: Devin, man, I gotta say, man…you are FAST.

Awkward pause.

Joboo: What the HELL are you doing here Deion?

Deion: This is my man Devin Hester. I’m like his handler.

Awkward pause

Joboo: So, uh, Devin, what do you feel about dudes that try to kill themselves because they don’t want to slap fight Andre Rison…and then don’t reveal this information to the public until years later when a dude overdoses on pills?

Deion: That’s cold, man.

Deion leaves.

Joboo: So, Devin, let me ask you, you’re back in Miami…the former STOMPIN’ grounds, what’s it like?

Devin: The hell you think it is like?

Joboo: Alcohol. Sex. Punching dudes in the face. Telling Tank Johnson not to kill a motherfucker because he looked at you for a beat too long…Serious question here…what did you think of the taunting Reggie Bush did against Brian Urlacher in the NFC Championship? With the point.

Devin: Well, as you know, they teach us that down at The U.

Joboo: Glad you mentioned that I knew that. Because I did. I heard that USC was borrowing some of the material for film study on taunting?

Devin: Yeah, well, you know, they are pretty creative out there on that other coast. Cats just handin’ folks footballs in a taunt? Clever shit, so we kind of thinking about a cominglin’ of the goods when it comes to taunting. We’re still the best around, always will be, but gonna give a little credit to the Trojans.

Joboo: Awfully nice, let’s get back to Reggie’s specific taunting.

Devin: Yeah, well, down at The U, on Day 1 of the taunting seminars they run us this slide show. Some samples of situations where we should not taunt. It starts out with a live tiger…the former LSU mascot…and then they go “nah, we’re just fucking with you. Taunt that shit.” So they set the mood light and then go into some specifics not to taunt. Brian Urlacher? IN that slide show.

Joboo: Interesting. Let me take you to a Miami question. Crockett…or Tubbs?

Devin: I know some dudes may prefer Don Johnson in his Nash Bridges role…

Awkward pause. Maybe a little respect lost for Devin.

Devin: Ha. Damn, gullable ass motherfucker. Man, I got to go with Crockett.

Joboo: Really?

Devin: Yeah…you thinking a black man had to show Phillip Michael Thomas some love?

Joboo: No, it’s just…let’s move on. Better Will Smith song…”bienvenido a Miami” or “Parents Just Don’t Understand”?

Devin: Seriously?

Joboo: Yeah, uh, we asked the readers for what they wanted to know…they didn’t submit anything, so uh, we’re flying loose here man. I’m thinking Parents Just don’t understand?

Devin: What about…”I think I can beat Mike Tyson?”

Joboo: Good call…NBA MVP…Steve Nash?

Devin: Yeah, uh, you might have wanted to take a bit more time to come up with these questions. But, I’m going to go with Gilbert Arenas. Man has that swag that can go mellow to phenomenal like I can go quick to motherfucking quicker on fools.

Joboo: If I’m on PokerStars playing with the play chips and I’ve seen 18 out of 20 flops…what are you thinking?

Devin: WHY THE HELL AIN’T YOU SEEN THE OTHER TWO?

Joboo: Next question…when you ran that punt back against Duke and you hopped and then PAUSED…what was running through your head?

Devin Hester: How am I gonna break this dance down when I get Six.

Joboo: When you ran that punt back against Arizona, what was running through your head?

Devin: How am I gonna break this dance down when I get Six.

Joboo: When you ran that punt back against Minnesota, what was running through your head?

Devin: How am I gonna break this dance down when I get Six.

Joboo: What about that kick off when the Rams were in onside kick formation?

Devin: How am I gonna break this dance down when I get Six.

Joboo: What about the field goal return against the Giants?

Devin: How am I gonna mock the shit out of the Giants when I get Six. Balliiiiiiiiiiin’.

Joboo: Kind of in the same line of thinking, but what do you have to say about this comment…”He actually only has 5 kick returns for TDs. 6 return TDs total. The 108 yard stroll on the missed fg does not count as a kick return. Just to let you know.”

Devin: Whoever said that can kiss my ass. Just to let a motherfucker know? Please. Someone needs to let that motherfucker know that Devin will slap him in the face if he ever runs in to him. Please. Shit was a kick, right? They ain’t THROW it at the goalposts, did they?

Joboo: I believe it was kicked. Yes. Field Goals are kicked.

Devin: And I caught it right? And returned it…right?

Joboo: Correct.

Devin: Yeah. So whoever said that got this unintelligent quotient kickin’ it up a notch.

Joboo: Now, former Joboo predictionist Lancer has said these words about you,”he is so overrated. he never had to make any moves”…response?

Devin: Consider the source, man.

Joboo: You’re engaged to a woman how plays in the WNBA, do you have to watch at least SOME of the games?

Devin: ah, hell no.

Joboo: Let’s go back to that punt return against Duke. You literally paused in front of that dude for a split second, then bounced away and were running really fast. You told me you composed a top 5 list of things you wish you had said to the dude aside from just the Traditional “seeeee ya!”?

Devin: Yeah, yeah, a little Letterman routine…

Joboo: Well, let’s get into it.

Devin: Ok, number 5…”Dog, remember when you took them SATs? All them hours you put into that exam? Gettin’ ready? Takin’ it? Stressin it? Then, when you were done, waintin’ for them results? Remember that? Hell of a nice score, too, got you here to Duke. Get your learn on proper. Devin Hester? Dog, I had some white boy take that shit for me. My ass was straight sleepin’ in.”

Number 4…”The funny thing about this punt return is that you’ve probably got better punt coverage than the Arizona Cardinals”

3…Rape me…rape me…my friend…rape me….rape me again…I’m not the only one…hate me…do it and do it again…waste me….rape me, my friend…

2…”Dog, shoelace…” (defender looks down, they’re both still standing there) “your shoelace is tied, and I’m still about to fly past you, leave you trippin’ over the damn thing.”

1…”If Devin Hester runs a kick back in the forest…and no one is around to see it…is Devin Hester still dancin? HELL YES”

Joboo: Just got a text message from Joe Buck. He said that Nirvana song quote at number three was UNACCEPTABLE.

Devin: The HELL with Joe Buck.

Joboo: OK, Devin, we’re going to wrap this up, the session time is about up and the Indianapolis Colts are about to head on out. Predictions on the game?

Devin: Two touchdowns.

Deion Sanders: FOR DEVIN HESTA!!!

Devin: Yeah…

Joboo: Does he…

Devin: Follow me around doing this all the damn time? YES.

Joboo: Does it get annoying?

Deion Sanders: HELL NAW BABY, THIS DEVIN HESTAAAAAA!!!

Devin: Uh, no.

Joboo: Devin, man, thanks for the time. Good luck in the game.

Joboo will be back tomorrow, or sometime Saturday…or, uh, before the game…with our report from Miami on the Colts.

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1 comment
  1. Acadia said:

    Doug – I need to talk to you about the baby. Please email me.

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