Tim Hardaway is a gay man?

I was in Miami to interview Dan Majerle when the Tim Hardaway, “I hate gays” news broke. I was there for other reasons. Doing some sort of human interest story on Majerle. Oh, who the hell am I kidding, I knew weeks ago that Tim was going to say these things about the gay community and wanted to be in Miami when the story broke. Interviewing the people who mattered.

Think I’m kidding? I saw this NASCAR thing coming weeks ago. You think people are up in arms about the cheating now? Wait three weeks until Dale Jr. starts to drive around with a fifth wheel. And no roof on his car. And no helmet…with Don Henley’s Building the Perfect Beast album blasting.

Think I don’t know this shit? OK…you might be asking…why aren’t you rich? Well, here’s the thing, how rich do you KNOW I am? Exactly. I purchased Michael Irvin and Joe Buck and they spend time in my mansion, Irvin doing crazy things and Buck commenting about how offended he is. How do you know this is not going down right now? Because Irvin is asleep? Valid point, but it happens. Plus, I’ve got a huge ass fish tank and a shark that swims in it. Ok, these are lies. I don’t bet on the future.

Why? My visions tempt me. I’m not the true chosen one when it comes to seeing the future. Just this morning I saw Gil Meche throwing his hands up in triumph as Tim McCarver talks about the Kansas City Royals winning the World Series. Jay Mariotti on Around the Horn proclaiming Meche to be Sandy Koufax. Saw that. Will it come true? Hell no. Fact is, I see more of that than I do these true visions, but point remains, I knew about this Hardaway hating gay thing a long time. So, I wanted to hear what some folks who played with him had to say. That led me to Miami…and Thunder Dan.

“This is classic Timmy right here,” Majerle told me. “He never wants to let the truth out into the public’s eye. He doesn’t have that same courage that John Amaechi has.”

What the hell was Majerle telling me? I came here to hear stories about how Majerle and Timmy went to the bar and did not quit until they insulted some dude for being effeminate. Elaborate, Dan, elaborate.

“I don’t want to out anybody,” Majerle said. However, I wanted him to out someone, so I slapped him. Or told him it’s OK, no one reads Joboo anyway. He continued, “Tim, we all knew, so when he told us that he was different, no one was surprised. In fact, we were the best wingmen a gay dude could have. You don’t know how many nights that I did my best to string along some young male model only to say, ‘ha, no, I am not gay, but, hey Tim Hardaway is, and he makes more money than I do!’ and they were off. Into the waiting arms of Timmy.”


I was absolutely floored. Tim Hardaway…gay?…but on the radio saying that he hates gays and wants to have nothing to do with them? How could this be?

I asked Thunder Dan to explain this to me. How could it be? Did Majerle not know of the awesome crossover dribble that Hardaway had? He did…

“God gave the man gayness and a crossover dribble. Just the way it is.”

I told him I wasn’t sure that God gave him either and he looked at me with a blank stare. I asked him for proof. I could not take these claims to the Internet without such proof, could I? There was investigation to be done and damnit, I was either going to do this investigation or make all of this up while sitting in Con Law class.

Sadly, Majerle had no proof. When I pushed him further…surely he had video somewhere…he was angered.

“Look, I had a night…” Majerle said to me softly. His demeanor had changed dramatically in an instant. His eyes no longer said, “I can bring home any model I want to this mansion”, they now said, “I had a moment of weakness” and I knew at that moment that I had to leave him alone. Could not press this issue with him. The proof I sought, well, that was going to come from elsewhere.

However, I still had my doubts that TIM Hardaway was the gay man that Majerle was speaking of. Tim? Really? I was not sure.

It definitely could have been another Hardaway from the NBA. You know what I’m getting at. I was off to New York City.

I got to the mansion and the door was answered by Isiah Thomas. This was not surprising. Penny Hardaway had blown through his duckets and certainly wasn’t hoopin’ much, so he was crashing on Isiah’s couch. Isiah walked me over to Penny. Penny was eating a plate of scrambled eggs, couple bacon slices on the side. He looked non-gay, maybe this was a lost cause?

It wasn’t. He had Little Penny at the breakfast table with him. Blackstreet was in the corner singing No Diggity. Little Penny was giving Anfernee some shit about the night before. Apparently, Lil Penny did not like the crop of women that Penny brought home from the clubs.

“All I’m askin’ for, man, it ain’t much, some fine trim,” Penny said. “Can ya do that for a brotha?”

Oh man. This was surreal. And awesome. Anfernee looked upset. Isiah came in. Isiah told Penny that Lil’ was right. He played the role of mediator so well. It was so very un-Isiah of him, but I guess dealing with Penny and Lil’ Penny was his natural calling. Just when you thought things could not get more out there…Stephon Marbury rolled in. Dribbling a basketball and wearing a bathrobe.

And challenging Lil Penny to a game of one on one. I sat there and took all this in.

“Steph guard me? Secret Service can not guard me…how is Stephon gonna guard me?”

Stephon had no retorts, so he did a spin move. Bumped into the kitchen counter and irritated Isiah as Isiah was pouring a cup of coffee. Isiah was not happy, but then again, he just shrugged his shoulders. For the first time, I felt sympathy for Isiah, but then quickly realized that he brought this nonsense upon himself.

It was time for me to leave. Majerle had the correct Hardaway, who was I to question Penny’s sexual orientation just because his name was Penny? Hell, hadn’t I seen Blue Chips? He was rocking that box-fade something serious.

I left, it was back to Miami…couldn’t I just interview Tim Hardaway? Go Chris Matthews on a dude? Maybe bring out a little Jim…yeah…that was it…

I met Tim Hardaway at his home in Miami. He had three beautiful naked women answer the door. He approached, rubbed each set of breasts and pretended as if I was not there. He took me into a room that was like an art gallery…of sex. Every picture, one of Tim Hardaway and a different woman just going at it. As he explained these pictures to me, and he did so for each photograph in quite some detail, I couldn’t help but feel that something was off about these scenes. In several, Tim’s face was Tim, but he had the body of a white man. Some of the other ones looked unnaturally staged. I didn’t call him on it. He took me into a room with a widescreen TV, lesbian pornography going.

I grabbed the remote and hit the last channel…Sense and Sensibility on HBO. Hardaway slapped the remote out of my hand. It was time for the interview.

Joboo: Tim, now let me ask you. It seems as though there is an opening, the American public is very forgiving. Are you willing to show contrition, admit that you are a gay man and make some sort of apology to that effect?

Tim Hardaway: Not at all, Joboo. I’m not going to admit to something that didn’t happen. I know you’re getting tired of hearing me say that. But, I appreciate the ovation. I appreciate the American fans keeping me relevant even after retirement. I’m just a small part of a big deal.

Joboo: With the overwhelming evidence in that report on your gayness, why not make that step…

Tim: No, I can’t worry about that because I don’t know what evidence you’re talking about. I mean, show it to me…

He was calling my bluff. Jerk.

Joboo: Tim, those who will hear this tonight will say you have been your own worst enemy and continue to be. How do you, as a gay man, respond to that?

Tim Hardaway: In what way are you talking about?

Joboo: By not acknowledging what seems to be overwhelming evidence that you are a homosexual former player in the National Basketball Association.

Tim Hardaway: Yeah, I’m surprised you’re bombarding me like this. I mean, I’m doing an interview with you on a great night, a great occasion, a great ovation…

I interrupted him to tell him that this was the day time, and the occasion was not so great. Tim had the naked women begin to applaud, then told me that any time naked women were in his presence, it was a great occasion.

Tim Hardaway: Everybody seems to be in a good mood. And you’re bringing up this gayness thing…this is a prosecutor’s brief, not an interview, and I’m very surprised at you…

Joboo: Some would be surprised that you didn’t take that opportunity.

He kicked me out of the house and on the street I noticed former Yankees player Chad Curtis hailing a taxi cab. I needed a cab back to the hotel so I asked Chad to hold the cab up for me. He ignored me, got into his cab and pretended that I did not exist.

As I stood there on the curb in front of Tim Hardaway’s house, I could not help but wonder if Hardaway would cash in years down the road with a book deal to reveal his gayness. For now, I’m left with those words of Thunder Dan telling me that Tim was gay and the overcompensation of maleness that Hardaway himself lives in. Had I accomplished anything on this journey? Maybe, maybe not, but in the words of Lil’ Penny, that might not have to do with anything…

BUT IT’S TYRA BANKS, FOOL.

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2 comments
  1. Kevin said:

    I don’t want to out anyone, but perhaps you should speak with a currnet MSU Law student – word on the street is that he is (or formerly was) dating a certain University of Notre Dame quarterback with some seriously gay highlights. He might have some insight on the Hardaway situation, but maybe I am just speaking in hypotheticals…

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