The Mike Vick Celebrity Dogfighting Extravaganza Part I

Surry County officials had secured a search warrant in late May based on an informant’s information to look for as many as 30 dog carcasses buried on the property.

That property, as you all well know, belongs to Michael Vick. It means only one thing.

Welcome to the 2007 Michael Vick Celebrity Dogfighting Extravaganza

Your hosts: Gus Johnson, Michael Vick, and a rotating cast of color commentators.

Gus Johnson: WELCOME EVERYONE TO SOME TOWN NESTLED MAJESTICALLY IN THE PAINTED FORESTS OF THE GREAT STATE OF VIRGINIA. Hello everyone this is GUS JOHNSON coming to you live from a small barn type building painted JET BLACK for the occasion and Michael why don’t you tell the folks what that occasion is!

Mike Vick: Ha, well, dog, what we have today is the opening round in the first, hopefully, annual Michael Vick Celebrity Dogfighting Extravaganza. Shit, pretty damn awesome we got a guy like you here Gus, but I’m not sure about why we have Braves baseball announcer Chip Caray here…

Chip Caray: Michael, Gus, glad we are here on what is definitely a gorgeous day for dogfighting.

Mike Vick: Pouring down rain and motherfuckers with a lot of cash money, yes, I would say this shit is pristine for dogfights.

Gus Johnson: Well, let’s not waste any more time, let’s get to the first contest of the evening. In the pit first we have an all time LEGEND. You know this dog from the comic strip PEANUTS. Folks, he is Charlie Brown’s pet BEAGLE. Ladies and Gentlemen, a 10 seed from the Marcus bracket…Snoopy!

Chip Caray: And while we await the entrance of Snoopy, let’s mention those brackets and how this field will work. We have two brackets and thirty-two competitors. Seeded 1 through 16 in two brackets. The Marcus bracket and the Ron Mexico bracket.

Gus Johnson: LOOK AT THIS FOLKS! LOOK AT THE ENTRANCE OF SNOOPY, THE 10 SEED, THE UNDERDOG IN THIS OPENING CONTEST…he is coming out on top the doghouse transitioned to become a Sopwith Camel! The World War I fighter aircraft! He has on the goggles and the scarf!

Chip Caray: Interesting choice by Snoopy in this bout to come out with the WW1 fighter pilot attire. Where is his focus? Is it on winning this bout or impressing this crowd?

Mike Vick: Well, shit, if he was tryin’ to impress this crowd he would have brought a sack of weed.

Chip Caray: I stand corrected.

Gus Johnson: And his opponent…the number seven seed, and a surprise seven seed, he is Vincent, Walt’s Dog from the ABC Television show LOST. Vincent is being led down to the pit by Walt and Locke! John Locke is here! Off the island and at Mike Vick’s dogfighting extravaganza! Unbelievable early on!

Chip Caray: Have to like how Vincent comes with Walt, his trainer. Even though just a young boy, Walt will be able to impart infinite knowledge to his competitor to help him in this competition. Michael, any idea what Walt will tell him?

Mike Vick: Kill that fuckin’ Snoopy, son.

Gus Johnson: And here we go! Both dogs are circling! Vincent lunges in!!! Snoopy out of the way calmly! Vincent lunges again! Snoopy out of the way again! This time with a forearm tap to the back of Vincent as the Yellow Labrador retriever goes flying past. Snoopy doesn’t capitalize! He is standing there, he has…wait a second…

Mike Vick: oh shit.

Gus Johnson: Forget the fighter pilot gear folks, Snoopy has replaced the goggle and scarf with his infamous black shades and leaned back against the wall of the pit! Joe Cool is making an appearance folks!

Chip Caray: And you can tell right now that Vincent has no idea what to do. He is barking wildly out here and now makes a lunge at Snoopy, but that’s doing nothing. He can not get through on Joe Cool and Joe Cool Snoopy is just toying with Vincent.

Gus Johnson: Haha! Folks an incredible showman is Snoopy. Always has been and there was no doubt he would continue that here tonight! He could finish Vincent whenever he wants! He just won’t!

Chip Caray: You have to wonder if this lack of a killer instinct will hurt Snoopy, Mike, does this normally help or hurt a dogfighting competitor?

Mike Vick: You gotta kill in this shit, Snoopy gotta realize that he gotta come at this dog and get shit done. Showboat later on, heard?

Gus Johnson: AND WHAT IS THIS?! Woodstock! Snoopy’s avian pal, Woodstock has appeared and is offering Snoopy advice. Snoopy is frowning. He tosses the glasses aside. Now Snoopy lunges in with a well placed bite! OOOOOOOOooooohhhhh…and down goes Vincent. THE FIGHT IS STOPPED! SNOOPY IS OUR FIRST WINNER!

Mike Vick: Yea yea, got them duckets down on snoop early, done came up wit bout fo’ fi’ g’s collect fo’ shoh.

Chip Caray: What?

Mike Vick: Shut the fuck up.

Gus Johnson: What an entertaining first bout we just saw. Absolutely electric. Next we have certainly a lopsided affair…ON PAPER…but you never know what will happen inside that pit. Spuds Mackenzie taking on The Georgia Bulldog, UGA. UGA already in the pit and barking like a moron.

Chip Caray: While we have a moment, Mike, tell me, what went into the choice of making this event an EXTRAVAGANZA, rather than an Invitational?

Mike Vick: Seriously, didn’t we hire Elijah Dukes to kill you?

Chip Caray: I do not believe that to be the case.

(Chip’s cellphone beeps. Message incoming…photo message…)

Chip Caray: Uh, why is there a picture of some rope on my cellphone?

Elijah Dukes: BECAUSE I’M CHOKIN’ YOU WITH THAT SHIT, BITCH!

(Chip Caray has been choked and removed from broadcasting)

Gus Johnson: And here comes Spud Mackenzie. The Two seed. He looks calm. Who wouldn’t with his entourage of females that have accompanied him to the pit. Count the women, Mike, how many models does Spud have with him tonight! Ha ha!

Mike Vick: I believe he has enough for me to break into Ron Mexico for at least an hour and forty-five minutes.

Gus Johnson: UGA is not distracted one bit by these models, but Spud hops into the pit and this one is ON. Spuds quick circle and BOOM. Spuds attacks quickly! Spuds biting the absolute hell out of UGAs left rear leg. Just absolutely eating the shit out of it. UGA squeezes away but now circling with an obvious limp. Here comes UGA! There goes UGA! Spuds catching UGA square with a flying knee to the jaw and then bites at the neck of UGA! This one is done! WOW! That was quick!

Mike Vick: Wikipedia does not refer to Spuds as the “Too-Cool-for-monogamy-and-sobriety dog” for nothing as Spuds already back with the females!

Gus Johnson: And Uga needs some treatment. Mike, at one of these other painted black barns there were some earlier fights taking place. We’re going to head over to Brent Musberger to bring us the details of those fights.

Brent Musberger: Thank you Gus, over here in the pit we have seen lots of blood in the three matches that I am going to tell you about right now.

First, we saw two of the top seeds show why they were top seeds. Hooch, from Turner and Hooch decimated Air Bud. I mean, Air Bud, had no chance in this one, there will be no sequel for Michael Bertrand to add to his collection of Air Bud DVDs after this one, folks. Hooch, was a man on a mission putting down the sixteen seed with little trouble.

McGruff, the crime dog, the six seed came out to a surprise with baseball player Fred McGriff coming down to the pit with him chucking $100 bills in the air as they made their entrance. The police bloodhound had little problem with Ubu. It was a lot of sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog. For McGruff. After the fight was over McGriff took a microphone.

Fred McGriff: Yes, folks, McGruff the crime dog is moving on, and since I gambled on him, I won a ton of money. And because of Ubu’s Family Ties connections, I am pledging those monies to Michael J. Fox and a Parkinson’s charity of his choosing…haha…just playin’. We taking these riches and doublin’ up next round!

Musberger: Back to the action, we saw another one sided affair as HERCULES from The Sandlot ate the hell out of Toto from The Wizard of Oz. Folks, you have to wonder if that is what the Wicked Witch of the West meant when she said, “I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too!” …what? No reaction? Jesus, bring Chip Caray back for crying out loud. He would get that humor.

Mike Vick: He would. But then again, he has Elijah Dukes stranglin’ the hell out of his ass with a rope right bout now.

Gus Johnson: Oh boy, folks, it looks like…yes, it’s raining! Here he comes! Adam…PACMAN Jones is leading out Pacman the pet-vampire Pomeranian dog from the movie Blade: Trinity. Can’t say I’ve seen that crap, so no clue on how Pacman is going to respond to facing off with the 5 seed Buck Bundy who is in the pit waiting for this one to get underway.

Buck Bundy: Wow, really, a Pomeranian? Vampire or no, this is just silly. They want me to fight this dog? Should be easy. Here he comes. Ok. Now, just slide to the right, yup, went right past me. Wow, why his owner has way too much silver in his mouth. Here he comes again. Let me just trip him. Yeah. There. Now, ok, kick to the stomach. Bite. Ref stops it. My day is done. I woke up from sleeping on the couch for this? No, I woke up from sleeping on the couch to hang out with those ladies Spuds Mackenzie brought, where the hell are they?

Gus Johnson: Quick work by Buck! Pacman is going crazy! He is slapping tons of people right now. He is just walking around the pit slapping anyone he sees! Now, now the sorrow is overcoming Pac-Man. Pac-Man is kneeling over and consoling Pac-Man. Tears are overcoming Adam Jones. What do you make of this scene Mike…Mike…are you crying?

Mike Vick: Gus, it is moments like this, in our sport where the realness of this shit just starts to overcome a motherfucker. This shit is so real right now. That dog? Pacman loved that little motherfucker and it just was not his day. So the tears…they real…NAH I’M JUST PLAYING WHAT THE FUCK. Get your head in the game Pac-Man and next time come back to the pit with a real motherfucker. Shit. YOU THINK THAT LITTLE MOTHERFUCKER LEGIT? Waste my damn time. Get the hell out of here Adam.

Gus Johnson: Harsh words, but you have to consider them the truth. This is not a sport for the weak.

Mike Vick: Damn right, we have got to move on.

Gus Johnson: And we are moving on to a matchup between four seeded Mick the Miller against Odie from Garfield. Odie a surprise entrant in the Extravaganza. Odie seen often as more of a joker and not a fighter. Mick the Miller is in the pit right now. Here comes Odie.

Rick Sutcliffe: Is that Mick the Miller the god damn greyhound?

Gus Johnson: It is.

Rick Sutcliffe: Cool.

Gus Johnson: Mick the Miller. Fastest Greyhound of all time. Thanks for joining us Rick Sutcliffe. How did you daughter do over there in Africa?

Rick Sutcliffe: Cured it.

Gus Johnson: Good to hear. Mick the Miller, he won the 1929 and 1930 English Derbies. This is a classic matchup of speed against…

Rick Sutcliffe: Yellow dogs.

Gus Johnson: And here they go. Odie wagglin’ his tongue. Odie making a move in…he strikes Mick who is not moving…

Rick Sutcliffe: HOLY GOD DAMN SHIT!

Gus Johnson: Odie slapped Mick and feathers are coming out of the greyhound! What in the hell is going on here. Odie doesn’t even realize it, but, uh, he just won.

Mike Vick: What in the hell is going on?

Rick Sutcliffe: Mike’s Hard Lemonade, please.

Gus Johnson: Now wait a second, who is that emerging into the pit? He has a throng of people with him…it’s…no, that can not be…BUT IT IS!!! ROGER GOODALL! THE NFL COMMISSIONER IS HERE!

Mike Vick: That sonofabitch!

Gus Johnson: Goodall kicks the stuffed Mick the Miller and lifts the hand of Odie in victory! What the hell has the commissioner done!?

Rick Sutcliffe: Dog from damn 1930s, of course he stuffed. Damn. Ain’t like a dog can be living from then. Get me a Long Island Iced Tea.

Mike Vick: Ruined my damn extravaganza!

Rick Sutcliffe: Hey, we gotta rally around the commissioner for support. We gotta get this thing done man.

Gus Johnson: The commissioner is leaving with Odie. No god damn clue what the hell just happened. But, damn. Let’s take a break. The studio people have come up with this package to preview one of the bouts for tomorrow…

(Tupac’s Hail Mary begins to play as the video rolls…His name is Kato…named after Kato Kaelin he is the Akita and once owned by Nicole Brown Simpson. He wailed as he saw OJ Simpson murder his owner and he has turned that moment into a defining point of his life.)

I aint a killer but dont push me
Revenge is like the sweetest joy next to gettin pussy
Picture paragraphs unloaded, wise words bein quoted
Peeped the weakness in the rap game and sewed it
Bow down, pray to God hoping that hes listenin
Seein niggaz comin for me, to my diamonds, when they glistenin
Now pay attention, rest in peace father
Im a ghost in these killin fields

(Kato comes on screen ripping the god damn THROATS of other dogs. Just lining up carcasses. Kato is shown on screen, set up for an interview. Barking and growling. An interpreter interprets)

Weaker dogs could have rolled over and found themselves a new master. I took my anger at the juice and harnessed that energy. You put a dog in front of me. What do I do? I kill it. I don’t play games with these puppies I lash out and bite their fucking tongues. Do I look like a fucking joke, huh? What. I killed a fucking rottweiler in the park the other day because he sniffed my ass. I could have played with the dumbshit a bit, but I jacked him up. Why? Because I’m fucking bitter about life. Life done dealt my ass a shitty hand. What do I do? I fuck you up.

(Screen fades out)

Rick Sutcliffe: Sit ubu, sit. Good dog.

Gus Johnson: Kato is one mean killer! We’ll see him in action tomorrow.

Mike Vick: And that’s where my duckets lie!

Gus Johnson: It is time now for the last match-up of the evening and it’s a very Presidential affair. Secret Service has lined the pit here and there are some very frustrated gang bangers that no longer have a front row seat for the fights. Disgruntled, to say the least, I believe three gentlemen have just been shot.

Mike Vick: Show must go on!

Rick Sutcliffe: As long as the show involves Budweiser being hand delivered to this commentating booth.

Gus Johnson: Buddy Clinton against Barney Bush. Two Presidential dogs and they are circling one another in the pit. Barney comes out strong, but Buddy brushes him off. Buddy quickly back in FLYING at Barney, but leaps over Barney. OH BOY. You can feel the INTENSITY on this one folks! BARNEY WITH A LEFT PAW SWIPE. BUDDY WITH A RIGHT AND NOW THE TWO DOGS ARE GOING TOE TO TOE. LEFT. RIGHT. BITE. BITE. LEFT. RIGHT. LEFT. LEFT. BITE. BITE. KICK. JUMPKICK BY BUDDY.

Mike Vick: This is what the folks came to see. This is a battle. Blood spilling all over the place and dogs yelping. Good stuff. Barking. Shit like that.

Gus Johnson: BARNEY WITH ANOTHER LEFT AND HE HAS BUDDY REELING INTO THE SIDE OF THE PIT. HE LOOKS LIKE HE IS DOWN AND OUT. So now, Barney approaches Buddy, ready to finish him off. BUDDY WAS PLAYING POSSUM! BUDDY NOW CHOKING THE HELL OUT OF BARNEY! Elijah Dukes has stopped choking Chip Caray and is enjoying the hell out of this! Elijah is impressed! Mike Vick looks impressed! Buddy is putting on a choking display for the ages! AND A BITE! HE FINISHES OFF BARNEY BUSH WITH A BITE TO THE THROAT! BUDDY CLINTON MOVES ON!

Rick Sutcliffe: We got dogs fighting out there? Holy shit. Is that humane?

Mike Vick: Elijah?

(Rick Sutcliffe checks his cellphone. A picture of a knife is shown. Sutcliffe starts running. Elijah gives chase)

Gus Johnson: What a night this was tonight Mike! Round 1 of the Marcus bracket is complete! The Ron Mexico bracket takes center stage next time and we’ll see you then!