Monthly Archives: February 2007

How do you score an interview with America’s most popular fetus?

I spent about 15 minutes trying to figure out that question and then I decided to just call Bridget Moynahan. I told her my name was Pete Carroll and I had a very intriguing offer for Moynahan and her fetus. Within seconds, I was on speaker with the fetus.

“Carroll…again?” was the first thing I heard. Somehow I managed to answer in stride. Then again, it wasn’t too surprising that Pete Carroll was on the recruiting trail for Tom Brady’s kid. I asked if he received the gift basket that Joboo sent along (paid for by the campaign of The Champ for schoolboard). “Of course I did. Basket with a peach and a bottle of whiskey, right?”

That was not the basket. But, no matter. I told the young lad that it was, however only after I procured an answer from him that led me to believe he was enjoying the whiskey. Then, it was time to get down to this interview.

What kind of question do you open with to a fetus? Damn, man, it’s a shame Pennsylvania voted Rick Santorum out of the senate. Didn’t vote for him myself. Sorry, dog, hope you make it to see the light of day. Do you think Tom is a jerk for bailing on Bridget and heading into the throes of passion with a model 10 years younger?  That’s not a good lead and frankly I’m thinking could make the fetus turtle up and not talk to me about the answers I needed to get. Should I call it IT? Or just assume that Brady would only have a male, quarterbacking child? I went with the assumption.

So, I went with how’s life. Simple, wanted it to be somewhat of an icebreaker type

“Banged Scarlett Johansson already, how the hell you think life is? Pretty crazy.”
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Editor’s Note: Champ got here a bit late, but is ready to rock now. Joe Buck tells me there are 124 goddamned laps to go, so I think he still has a long afternoon ahead of him. Champ’s words are in regular text, Editor’s Notes will be italicized. Will we regret this decision? Certainly?

Champ put the liveblog here.

Came into the apartment at 4:36 eastern time and was disapointed to have missed the first 65 laps of the Greatest American Race. Turned on the television to a rather boring Napa Autoparts commerical and then left the channel on 8 instead of 7 for a while to even further delay my viewing of the Daytona 500.

Finally got the race on though, and it appears Tony Stewart is holding onto a slim lead over Kurt Busch.

*** 4:43 EST The caution is out! 2nd caution of the race apparently (I missed the first one) Problems on the 45 car of Kyle Petty brought out the Yellow flag. His right rear tire blew apart causing for a lot of damage to his race car. The caution came out on lap 85. Rumor has it the 20 car of leader Tony Stewart is also experiencing some sort of overhearting problem so we will have to keep an eye out for possible troubles later on in the race for him. After pitstops the 17 car of Matt Kenseth has assumed the lead of the race. Should be back green in a few minutes.

Editor’s Note: Going to make folks click the read more link for more of the scintillating coverage. I like how The Champ decided to add in the exclamation point after noting a caution is out. I’m anticipating a !!!!! when the real goodness goes down. For those of you who are NOT into NASCAR…I’ll be popping up in these editor’s notes and maybe Ryan will as well just to mock Nascar a bit and feed Champ some questions…such as…why the fuck do they do a race called the Busch Series on the same track with the same racers the day before?

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I was in Miami to interview Dan Majerle when the Tim Hardaway, “I hate gays” news broke. I was there for other reasons. Doing some sort of human interest story on Majerle. Oh, who the hell am I kidding, I knew weeks ago that Tim was going to say these things about the gay community and wanted to be in Miami when the story broke. Interviewing the people who mattered.

Think I’m kidding? I saw this NASCAR thing coming weeks ago. You think people are up in arms about the cheating now? Wait three weeks until Dale Jr. starts to drive around with a fifth wheel. And no roof on his car. And no helmet…with Don Henley’s Building the Perfect Beast album blasting.

Think I don’t know this shit? OK…you might be asking…why aren’t you rich? Well, here’s the thing, how rich do you KNOW I am? Exactly. I purchased Michael Irvin and Joe Buck and they spend time in my mansion, Irvin doing crazy things and Buck commenting about how offended he is. How do you know this is not going down right now? Because Irvin is asleep? Valid point, but it happens. Plus, I’ve got a huge ass fish tank and a shark that swims in it. Ok, these are lies. I don’t bet on the future.

Why? My visions tempt me. I’m not the true chosen one when it comes to seeing the future. Just this morning I saw Gil Meche throwing his hands up in triumph as Tim McCarver talks about the Kansas City Royals winning the World Series. Jay Mariotti on Around the Horn proclaiming Meche to be Sandy Koufax. Saw that. Will it come true? Hell no. Fact is, I see more of that than I do these true visions, but point remains, I knew about this Hardaway hating gay thing a long time. So, I wanted to hear what some folks who played with him had to say. That led me to Miami…and Thunder Dan.

“This is classic Timmy right here,” Majerle told me. “He never wants to let the truth out into the public’s eye. He doesn’t have that same courage that John Amaechi has.”

What the hell was Majerle telling me? I came here to hear stories about how Majerle and Timmy went to the bar and did not quit until they insulted some dude for being effeminate. Elaborate, Dan, elaborate.

“I don’t want to out anybody,” Majerle said. However, I wanted him to out someone, so I slapped him. Or told him it’s OK, no one reads Joboo anyway. He continued, “Tim, we all knew, so when he told us that he was different, no one was surprised. In fact, we were the best wingmen a gay dude could have. You don’t know how many nights that I did my best to string along some young male model only to say, ‘ha, no, I am not gay, but, hey Tim Hardaway is, and he makes more money than I do!’ and they were off. Into the waiting arms of Timmy.”

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For those that don’t know, Dwyane Wade and Mark Cuban are having a bit of a spat right now. It stems from this quote by Wade…

“At the end of the day,” Wade said, “you’re remembered for what you did at the end. . . . I think that’s the reason — Dirk says they gave us the championship last year, but he’s the reason they lost the championship, because he wasn’t the leader that he’s supposed to be in the closing moments. That’s because of great defense by us, but also he wasn’t assertive enough as a leader’s supposed to be.”

Cuban struck back at Wade on his blog, starting off by knocking Wade’s acting chops…

Say what ? Is this the DWade of some of the lamest , boring commercials known to man ? Commercials that are singlehandedly responsible for selling more commercial skipping Tivos than anything else on TV ?

Well, I guess so? And I mean, say what? Is this MCube of one of the lamest, most boring reality shows known to man? A reality show that undoubtedly had network executives scratching their head wondering why in the hell they greenlighted that project?

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Joboo sat down with Devin Hester at Media Day in Miami. Why? BECAUSE HE IS DEVIN HESTER. It was hard at first to interview the man, since he would not sit still and was always snapping his fingers and kicking it cold with those dance moves, but finally we got Devin to sit down with us.

Joboo: Welcome, Devin Hester. Man, glad we finally got an interview with you. As you know…

Devin Hester: Hell yeah, good to be here man. I know ya’ll Joboo folks was on my bandwagon since the jump. Doherty got that jersey bright orange with my name emblazoned on the back, kid a true soldier.

Deion Sanders: Devin, man, I gotta say, man…you are FAST.

Awkward pause.

Joboo: What the HELL are you doing here Deion?

Deion: This is my man Devin Hester. I’m like his handler.

Awkward pause

Joboo: So, uh, Devin, what do you feel about dudes that try to kill themselves because they don’t want to slap fight Andre Rison…and then don’t reveal this information to the public until years later when a dude overdoses on pills?

Deion: That’s cold, man.

Deion leaves.

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Tank Johnson was busy at Super Bowl Media Day…at least I assume so. I gather the assumption is fairly safe since media types tend to be drawn to Human Interest stories when it comes to athletes. And if anything qualifies in that realm, it’s multiple charges of gun possession and the need to have judicial permission to attend the Super Bowl.

So, Tank got some obvious attention on Media Day and reporters got to use OBVIOUSLY WITTY AND OH SO FUN AND NEVER GET OLD lines like “Tank left his arsenal in Chi-Town” in their ledes. Tank spoke with the media and mentioned how he was considering going to Subway for dinner and then turned to the company that he keeps.

“I’ve just got to keep my circle tight with the people who care about me and keep good people around me,” Tank said.

He continued to speak about how the arrest has changed his life, like Barbaro’s injury and the world we live in, for the better. Tank mentioned that the arrest “opened my eyes”, which I’m sure makes him a better person these days.

We may or may not have any reporters on the ground in Miami to cover Super Bowl week (we filed for a Media Day Press Pass, but were damn near denied when the NFL discovered that arleen removed us from her blogroll), but we do have this story to file about things that may or may not have been said regarding Tank’s eyes now being opened…And other general media day comments.

“The thing you notice about Tank, after the arrest, is his compassion,” Bears head coach Lovie Smith said from his media day perch that happened to be a royal thrown donated by the Egyptians. “Ptolemy XII sat in this shit…I don’t think Denny crowned him personally, but you get the idea.”

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