Twitter is fired up about the arrest of Aaron Hernandez in the murder of some dude who was in a rented vehicle with him at some point the same night that the guy died. Rumor is Hernandez might be arrested. Wondering what that might look like? Wonder no more, Joboo is back to break it down:
Mike Breen: Welcome everyone to Game 7 of the NBA Finals!
Jeff Van Gundy: You know, Mike, we should be in store for…
Mike Wilbon: Sorry to interrupt guys, but, back here in the studio, we have to take a look at a developing story in the sports world.
(pictures then show an SUV slowly moving down a highway. There are police cars following).
Mike Wilbon: The situation in New England has taken a turn for the worse. Patriots Tight End Aaron Hernandez, we’ve spoken about him all week. The police would like to speak with him regarding the death of a person who he may know. And, now, this.
Bill Simmons: Could not ask for a better night to have an NBA player lead someone on a low speed chase! When we’re running the 30 for 30 series on this night, I’m going to definitely have to check the availability of Tom Hanks, or, at least, Colin Hanks, to portray my role. I plan on being at the forefront of this, Wilbon. Along with the Doc Rivers trade to the Celtics.
Jalen Rose: You’re going to get an actor to play you in a documentary?
Bill Simmons: I don’t see why not. It worked for Scandalmakers and their coverage of the Bluth family.
Wilbon: In any event, we’re going to have to keep you posted of these developments throughout the evening. ESPNBoston is of course on top of this, but, we assume we will provide most of our information to you about this matter via people overreacting and making shit up on Twitter.
Bill Simmons: And, @Grantlandlive! Where we’ll have someone comparing the highway overpass crowd banners from this chase to the banners in ’94 as well as someone that will spend at least 750 words to explain about how he believes the chase is incredible, but, that the speed was a bit underwhelming!
Jalen Rose: As well as a writer to explain how tonight’s events remind them of certain episodes of Saved by the Bell.
Simmons: The College Years.
(the car is still being chased by the police!)
Wilbon: An exhilarating first quarter of basketball. LeBron James has really come to play tonight. 14 points in the opening quarter, four dunks and two steals.
Bill Simmons: And, the incredible block Birdman had on Manu, can’t forget that!
Wilbon: Exactly. Amazing quarter. I hope you enjoyed that car chase where nothing happened, though, because we certainly weren’t showing you basketball. The score after one quarter in Miami, 26-24, Spurs. Lets take you now out to Miami for the second quar…no, we’re going to take you to the First Take Studios for some insight on the Aaron Hernandez car chase. That is definitely what this situation calls for.
Random First Take Host: Wow, what a night guys. Lets get right down to it. Stephen A. Smith, Skip Bayless, here’s the important question I know our viewers have been asking themselves all night…
IS THIS CAR CHASE BETTER THAN 1994s OJ SIMPSON BRONCO CHASE?
Random Host: Skip?
Skip Bayless: NO! NO NO NO. This chase is NOT better than the 1994 Bronco Chase. That chase was DRAMATIC. It had everything that you want in a low speed chase involving a football player accused of murder. Are they even out of the parking lot here?
Stephen A. Smith: SKIP, THEY ARE OUT OF THE PARKING LOT! COME ON, BUDDY, YOU KNOW THAT THEY ARE TAKING SPEEDS UP TO ABOUT 35 MILES PER HOUR ON OCCASION. DID AL COWLINGS EVER GET TO THAT KIND OF SPEED? I’M NOT SURE.
Skip Bayless: Does it matter? Look, Aaron Hernandez can perform ON the field on occasion when Tom Brady essentially hands him the ball in the end zone. But, have you seen the turns the guy is making? It almost looks like he has no clue where he is going out there.
Stephen A. Smith: SKIP, HE IS FLEEIN’ FROM THE POLICE. DO YOU HAVE EXPERIENCE DOING THAT?
Skip Bayless: I once got a candy bar stuck in a vending machine. When I shook the machine loose, the candy bar dropped to the bottom. Then, another candy bar dropped. I took them both. When I walked about ten feet, I wondered whether I should look back. I didn’t.
Stephen A. Smith: SO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MAN IS GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW. LETS NOT RUSH TO JUDGMENT ON THIS CHASE YET. IT’S A DAMN GOOD CHASE, THOUGH, MY MAN.
Random Host: Next question…
CAN LEBRON JAMES FOCUS ON PLAYING A GAME 7 WHILE THE WORLD WATCHES AARON HERNANDEZ SLOWLY AVOID THE POLICE IN AN SUV?
Stephen A. Smith: CAN HE? PLEASE. NO. NEXT QUESTION.
Skip Bayless: No. Absolutely not. This will be a factor in Lebron’s not performing well tonight.
Random Host: So, then, what do you make of LeBron’s 14 points in the first quarter? Which he has followed up with a dozen in the second quarter while we’ve been speaking?
Stephen A. Smith: Not relevant. Not relevant. PLEASE. SPEAK TO ME WHEN HE WINS THE GAME.
Skip Bayless: Exactly. This is the worst performance in an NBA Finals interrupted by a car chase that I think we have ever WITNESSED.
Stephen A. Smith: And, somewhere, Derek Harper is sitting there going, “THANK GOD I DON’T HAVE THAT DESCRIPTION ABOUT ME ANYMORE.” Please. Go back to Wilbon before I say something silly about this nonsense.
Wilbon: Welcome back. Halftime in Miami. The Heat have now taken the lead by 4 points. It’s really a fantastic game that you’ve been missing. Instead of showing any highlights, lets send it now to Bill Simmons who has a guest that is somewhat appropriate for this subject.
Bill Simmons: I’m joined now by Ray Lewis. Ray, you have some experience with handling murder allegations as a football player. Do you think that Aaron Hernandez is doing the proper thing by running from the police?
Ray Lewis: HELL NO.
Bill Simmons: What would you recommend?
Ray Lewis: Well, one, you got to put a statement down on paper. And, you have to be accurate, and honest with that statement. Because bad things will happen if you are not truthful to the police in a murder investigation.
Bill Simmons: Wow, I did not know that.
Ray Lewis: NAH, I’m just playin’! Run, Aaron. And, throw your bloody clothes out the window while you run. Pop that champagne. And, when they catch up to you, tell them that Bill Belichick did that, they ain’t ever gonna arrest that man on a murder.
Bill Simmons: Wow, you know, I think that is a good idea. Would the police arrest Bill Belichick if he murdered someone?
Wilbon: Guys, I hate to break up Bill Simmons analyzing that issue, but, we’ve got a call coming in from the Hernandez SUV! Take it away, is this Aaron Hernandez? Oh, and a quick update on the game, the third quarter is underway and the Heat have extended to an 8 point lead.
Caller: Hey, hey, I’ve got Aaron Hernandez with me. This is Tim.
Wilbon: Who is this?
Tim Tebow: My name is Tebow. You know who this is, Goddamnit!
Bill Simmons: WHAT?!!?! SERIOUSLY?!?
Wilbon: Lets swing this out to the First Take studios…
Skip Bayless: Are you serious?! Stephen, this HAS to be the best car chase ever. I mean, Tim Tebow is driving?!
Stephen A. Smith: TIM TEBOW IS DRIVING THE SUV!
Al Cowlings: Fuck Tim Tebow.
Skip Bayless: There has NEVER been another car chase as electric as this one. We have been watching this car chase for hours now and what have we been saying?
Stephen A. Smith: THAT IT IS INSANE!
Random Host: That you wish it would end because you’re quite bored by it.
Skip Bayless: Exactly. That THIS car chase is phenomenal. The way the car moves down the highway at 35 miles per hour, have you ever seen anything like this? The way that the car…(make no mistake, Skip is setting this up with a dramatic pause)…stays in the proper lane…and just drives forward has just been a sight to behold. It’s just incredible. We’re not even focusing on Lebron James choking away a Title right now because of how incredible this driving performance is.
Random Host: Quick note on the game…Lebron James has 45 points now, and the Heat lead by 16.
Skip Bayless: Exactly. So glad we have Tebow to talk about tonight.
Wilbon: Well, speaking of that basketball game, we are going to send you out to Jeff Van Gundy as the third quarter comes to a conclusion. Fill us in on the game, Jeff.
Jeff Van Gundy: You can’t cut away to that during an NBA Finals game 7. I mean, are you not watching how Tony Parker is getting to the basket, falling down and making shots with his face in the cleavage of some Miami bimbo? This is exciting stuff.
Mike Breen: Electric. The Spurs have cut into the Heat lead by that impressive run by Tony Parker, and are threatening to turn this into an exciting 4th quarter. Both teams playing amazing basketball.
Jeff Van Gundy: Would it help getting us to broadcast basketball if I killed Aaron Hernandez and got in my Camry? No one is watching that, I tell ya. I go and do that and we’re going to have eyeballs back on this game. I’ll go do it.
Bill Simmons: Are we sure about that? I’ve seen Jeff Van Gundy outgunned in some situations and come out looking, well, not so good, but, any situation that can end with Jeff Van Gundy desperately clinging to the legs of some SWAT police is something I’d be into.
Wilbon: Tebow, are you still on the line?
Tebow: I am Mike! I’m just blessed to be here.
Wilbon: How is Aaron’s demeanor?
Tebow: Well, he has NOT been reading the Bible I gave to him, if that’s what you mean.
Wilbon: It is!
Simmons: King James Bible in the SUV? Fitting for the night.
Wilbon: Tebow, is this the slowest you have ever driven a vehicle on the highway?
Tebow: Well, Michael, I’ve never actually driven on the highway myself.
Skip Bayless: I’ll drive ya, Tim!
Wilbon: So, can you give us an update? Are there any weapons in the vehicle?
Tebow: Weapons? No, no weapons. Well, maybe. Do you count Gronkowski flexin’ and welcoming us to the gun show as having weapons?
Simmons: Wait…Gronkowski is in there?
Gronkowski: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Of course I’m in here, bro!
Tebow: And some lovely young ladies that are in here doing shots of Patron with Gronkowski.
Gronkowski: Strippers, Tim, I told you to call them strippers. What is that lovely young ladies bullshit?
Simmons: Gronk, can you give us an update?
Gronkowski: Not much to update on, Billy. We are drunk and trying to turn this SUV into a dance party, bro. I am on the horn with Drake trying to get him in here. But, really, we are just trying to keep our heads up and have an ill time, you know?
Wilbon: What about Aaron Hernandez?
Gronkowski: Aaron? Shit, don’t ask me about that buzzkill. He’s all in here balled up in the back cryin’ about how he might go to JAIL and what not. Like, does Gronk need to hear that noise when we’re up in the SUV rollin’ DEEP? Dude is all, “someone call my mother, tell her I didn’t do this” and, “they’re never going to let me out of prison!” and, I’m just like, relax, we’ve got Natty Light here.
Tebow: So, you can see what I’m dealing with here, Wilbon.
Wilbon: Tim, that’s great, just stay on the line.
Tebow: Well, Mike, the reason why I called is that I’m lost. I don’t know where I’m going. I’ve just been driving around for 3 quarters of this basketball game. Completely lost.
Simmons: No clue what you’re doing?
Skip Bayless: Tim, you’re going to want to get on the highway, south. Head towards New York City. I’ll give you better directions when you get there. I will be in the sauna when you get here.
Gronkowski: WE NEED JOHNNIE COCHRAN’S NUMBER, DUUUUUDE
Tebow: No! He’s dead. We’re lost.
Wilbon: Well, we’re down to the last four minutes of the basketball game here, we were planning on showing it, but, I think we can help you out with directions.
Tebow: You said all you needed to say. Four minutes left? I’m on my way.
Gronkowski: Aaron, bro, you killed Johnnie Cochran, dude?
Wilbon: Can we send it out to the basketball game or can you pass the phone to Aaron so we can get some of that crying that Gronkowski was alluding to?
(they air the basketball game. Hey, the Heat win! Back to the chase and…Tebow has gone to a police station)
Gronkowski: Seriously, bro? Not cool. Not cool.
Simmons: Wow, what a letdown. Did he just go turn himself in?
Jalen Rose: So, it’s over now? At least OJ went into his house and got some orange juice…and had a fake mustache and goatee.
Gronkowski (wearing fake mustache and goatee): Oh, we’ve got those.
Wilbon: Hey, where’s Magic Johnson been at?
Jalen Rose: Oh, actually giving a fuck about the basketball game.